Masturbation Jokes

Most adult jokes tend to be overly lewd or disrespectful, and jokes about masturbation especially show it in a bad light.
Everyone needs a good laugh now and then, and all of us at TENGA are no different! For this reason we decided to compile a few jokes on masturbation, trying to keep them as clean, tasteful, hilarious, and in the spirit of good fun as we could. We also explain a bit about why people tell dirty jokes. Read on for a few chuckles!


    Why the Funny Talk?

    In some places, masturbation is still thought of as a ‘taboo’ subject of conversation. This means that many people only talk about it with jokes, as humor is often used to cover for embarrassment and nervousness.
    However, jokes can be a great ice breaker to start a conversation about a topic you felt uncomfortable with at first, until one day we can all just have conversations about how great self pleasure can be.
    We believe that masturbation is a perfectly natural thing, and should be talked about normally as well, but for now let’s see some jokes, as we could all do with a laugh.

    With all that said, let’s get to the jokes! Hope they bring a smile to your face, and if you know any better ones, do let us know on twitter

    Sex and Relationships

    If someone was addicted to masturbation, then became addicted to sex, would you say that the addiction got out of hand?

    Something to think about: masturbating is sex with the one you love the most.

    When your hand falls asleep while masturbating is the ultimate rejection.

    I planned a threesome a few days ago.
    I had a good time, despite a couple of no shows.

    Doctor, Doctor

    Dad: Son, too much masturbation will make you go blind.
    Son: Dad, I'm over here.

    My dad walked into my room and said
    "If you do that, you’ll go blind"
    I was so shocked, I dropped my binoculars and missed the eclipse

    A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked.
    Optometrist: You need to stop masturbating so much.
    Man: Why? Is it going to make me go blind?
    Optometrist: No, but it's making it difficult to examine you.

    In a sperm clinic today, the receptionist asked if I wanted to masturbate in the cup...
    I said, "I'm good, but I don’t think I'm ready for competition."

    They say that laptops can cause damage to your sperm.
    Although not as much damage as sperm can cause your laptop.

    I heard that men can get paid $60 every time they donate their sperm. I was angry, thinking of all that money I have let slip through my fingers.


    What do you call it when you successfully masturbate in the shower with no one noticing? You got off clean.

    Studies show that masturbating may help with the common cold. Either way you will need more tissues.

    This year the pollen count is expected to be very high. Explains why my son is getting through so many tissues, the poor kid.

    You know you're old when you buy tissues just for your nose.

    Wanking Wordplay

    There are 2 types of people in the world, those who admit to masturbating, and liars.
    (This is just a joke, some people don’t feel the need to masturbate and that is fine as well!)

    What’s the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg but you can’t beat…
    (This might be more for the British people amongst you!)

    I will be hosting a charity event for people with difficulty orgasming.
    Let me know if you can’t come.

    A recent survey showed that 43% of women have used vibrators.
    This means that the other 57% bought theirs new.

    The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation is because I do it so badly.
    – David Steinberg

    I just got back from the World Blindfold Masturbating Championship.
    No idea where I came.

    My book will be about porn habits around the world.
    I will call it ‘What’s the world coming to?’

    I caught a man masturbating by the riverside.
    I have always been bad at fishing.


    With any luck, some of these tickled your funny bone, and made you more comfortable with the topic of masturbation.
    We hope that one day people all over the world will be able to openly speak about masturbation and self pleasure without hiding behind humor, as it is completely natural and good for you. Until then, this can be a good ice breaker!

    If you know any other good jokes like these, why not share them with us on our Twitter
    We always love a good laugh.

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